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2/2/4 - It was very strange to accidentally watch "groundhog day", a movie that probably 99.9% or americans have seen, for the first time, coincidentally on groundhog day. I've become addicted to renting two movies a week on wednesday and returning them on monday. And I never look for movies in the comedy section any more (you can probably guess by reading bruno, right?). But for some reason I did and I did. It wasn't til Sunday that I mentioned I'd seen it Saturday, and someone pointed that out.
But what if you had that chance? To live the same day over and over for eternity. I mean, aside from the first impulse to drive cars down railroad tracks and have lots of sex. The only answer really is what he found, to better yourself as a person. See, the problem is that you can't create anything. For most people that means a relationship, connect with someone who you really link with. Love I guess. I was gonna' say that for me, it's about art. If I had to live the same day over and over forever, I would never create (draw, write, put down on paper) anything again, because it would be pointless. Heh, except ice-sculptures. It's all gonna' turn to dust in a million years anyway, which to the universe, is an ice sculpture on an August day anyhow.
But it is about people isn't it. I have delusions about it, and then some days I don't. Forget about the art. But that's not true. In ways, sometimes i think that art is the only piece of humanity i have left about me.
Funny thing, life, I'm all over the map lately. I've actually been feeling really good, but at times am just falling apart. I have a friend who feels she's a failure because she followed her heart, and it didn't work out. But is there any other kind of success on this earth? We all have the "boyscout" in our hearts, don't we? Do we?
Jeesh guys, I'm turning 29 on Feb 25th, which is still young. But, then why do the days seem long and life to be short? How did I end up doing a comic strip for 8 years (I restarted it in 96, but it began in 94)? how did i end up so much in the hole, and yet feeling such promise? What makes me different from anybody else? Nothing. I know I do bruno, and it affects people, but we all do things which affect people. And I know it's likely my calling and the most valuable thing i can leave to this earth, which I believe is the best "substance" goal we can work towards. As Ani DiFranco so eloquently put it:
your arrogance is gaining on you
and so is eternity
you better practice happiness
you better practice humility
you took the air, you took the time
you were fed, you were free
you better put some beauty back
while you got the energy
Funny how that's almost the exact same message in the moive "groundhog day", only expressed differently.
But yeah. Lately I've had a lot on my mind, but here I wonder how much should I say on my page. Bruno is dependent on my thoughts, more often than not, my angst. I mean, what if tomorrow I want to do a strip about having your life oriented towards making this place a better place? I just TOLD you my thouhgts on it today. So where does the line get drawn?
Accidental pun, but I'll leave it. It's humorously cynical enough to do so.
Feh. And politics, for the first time have really begun to seep into me and pull me apart. Is the political scene different or have I changed, or both? But I'm a kid in that realm, as opposed to bruno, where I don't have a map, but I know how to survive. I crap about bush and his posse, and it's just mudslinging. Pathetic. And then Christ. Fine it's a good religion, but I mean... every mention at work out yelled word in my face from a street "savior" makes me feel more and more that Christianity is the story of King Lear. You don't even have to be a good person, all you have to do is say you love him. If you tell him you actually enjoy and value life here on earth, then he replies:
let it be so; the truth, then, be thy dowry!
For, by the sacred radiance of the sun,
The mysteries of Hecate and the night,
By all the operation of the orbs
from whom we do exist and cease to be,
here I disclaim all my paternal care,
Propinquity and property of blood,
and as a stranger to my heart and me
hold thee, from this, forever.
I admit, that if God will save me on my worship, and not on who I am, that it is not my God. At least "hell" is a Christian construct, so the only people who should fear it are Christians. But see? Mudslinging again. But I suppose anything constantly blared at you, needs a response. And at least being an Agnostic these days simply means that people might ask you "what branch of Christianity is that" rather than burn you at a stake. And also there are as good books out there. Like Blake. Dear Blake.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
he who desires but acts not, breeds pestilance.
Shame is pride's cloak.
if a fool would persit in folly, he would become wise.
Sonner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desire.
But what's it all come down to? What's the meaning or point of anything? But what a pointless question! That's the WORST question. It is so self-defeating. There is no answer. That's the point. You only ask that question when you desire to be defeated. If you want to live, you simply have to overlook the gorge at sunrise. Eat raspberries and yogurt. Read Nuasicaa. And in fairness, all some of you need to do is think of Christ. We find the joy of life when we allow ourselves to be open to it, and that joy is often of our choosing.
Fortune cookie mode: turn off. Bweeee...erp.
And don't get me wrong, I do believe that. And sometimes i don't.
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2/7/02 - There' something about a word which is taboo. I mean, how often do you get to use the word "penis"? It has so many implications and such a meaning and history. But once you say it, not only does it feel a bit liberating, but you realize that it is merely a window. As soon as you stop saying "penis" you will not be able to say it again, the window will shut, and the taboo will return.
Oddly, I do not think that is why the topic of "penises" has returned to Bruno a third day in a row, I just am having fun with the topic. :)
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2/6/02 -
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2/12/02 - Well, I just heard back from Lee Salem from Universal Syndicate regarding "Madge's Diary", and I'm afraid the first letter was a form-letter rejection. Mr. Salem is the editor I've recieved the least communication from in the past, which means that I expected it to make the least amount of impression on him now. So the first disappointment isn't as bad as it could have been. Anyhow, it's linked off the main "Madge" page, or directly here.
Also of note, I am still plugging away at the "Way Past Your Bedtime" contest. I hate to make you all wait like this, but it's taken a while to create individual little web-pages to display each one, and also it's been tougher deciding than i had thought it would be. And it's funny, here I am on both ends, Lee decides on my submission, as I decide on all of yours. I can't say either feels particularly good. :) Anyhow, I'm close to deciding.
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2/14/02 - Well, it's the day of Saint Valentine again, the catholic version of the pagan fertility feast "Lupercalia"; and for all you single people out there, who feel isolated, alone, famished for the soft luscious touch of skin, for the intimate smell and feel of a warm damp breath between close faces on a damp cold night outside a supermarket, famished for acceptance and forgivensss, for a partner in crime who'll tackle you silly, smothering you with kisses, someone who "in-the-now" feels they will never become another "history", a feeling which can only leave on in despair.... hm. What was I saying? oh right, just for all of you, just know, you're not alone. As if that's any consolation.
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2/16/02 - Subtitle: "Waldo, where's bruno?" or "long live the head, now the body is dead". Let's see... there was something i wanted to talk about, oh right. Failure. But I don't want to talk about it any more. I made muffins this week. Orange cranberry, actually it was a bread recipe I put into muffin tins, and switched the soda to powder. Not a bad venture.
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2/20/02 - Oh, b.t.w., I should be sending Bruno book #7 to the printer within the next couple weeks, hoping to have it out by May First. So, regarding the "patron" list, please do so at the MoodyCow before next Wednesday if you wish to get your name listed. I don't want to really ask or push because last year I asked so much from all of you (it was a financially difficult year) and you were all so generous and helpful. So I'll just let it stand, as a reminder that it's there, and it helps Bruno keep going. Again, just f.y.i., I'll be splitting the financial levels between $6-$29, $30-$59, $60-$119, $120-$299, and $300-up. I have not decided on what the categories specifically will be yet.
my best,
-Christopher
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2/21/02 - Thank you for all the supportive emails and the amazing strings on the bulletin board in regards to Judi and her character and transexualism. I'm happy that it continues to write itself so well. And thanks to those who have helped educate me.
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2/25/02 - Okay, before we get to all that, I just want to blah-blah. first of all is the fact that it's my birthday, so I'm feeling all silly and old at the same time (I know, 29 is still SOOO young), but you know. Sometimes I feel like a big failure. I mean, I view bruno as a huge success as a piece of art; but me, as someone who makes a viable living, or has a healthy relationship, or even has the willpower to stop biting his nails.... not always so good. So despite all my accomplishments, and efforts, and pride in the human being I've become; I guess the fact that I have a lot to work on has been weighing heavily on me lately for some reason. But tonight, for some reason tonight I feel kinda' light and good. So yeah, let's just ride that one. So yeah, Happy birthday to me and all that, I survived another one.
And now that I'm done being all narcissisticly vain, let's get on to the real news. The "way-past-your-bedtime" contest. I've read every submission like a zillion times, and this has been utter torture deciding, a mix of what is best and what i am most looking for (trying to find a place where both met). And I finally have made some decisions, four names of people who I've chosen. Mind you, all of the submissions were so great and fun to read, and it thrills me that I would recieve such a response as this. it was and is inspiring, and I wish I could send T-shirts to all of you, but I simply can't. But thank you all, very sincerely. And b.t.w., you can read ALL of the submissions at the "way-past-your-bedtime" page, and then email me to tell me what a do-do head I was for chosing the wrong ones.
I am actually naming two submissions as the "winners", the first one being Bohemian Delilah, who I am naming for her ideas on reconstructing plot, and who I hope will be interested in helping me rework the construction of the piece. And then I'm naming David "Chip" Bell for his really nice work at writing/rewriting the piece, who I am hoping to work with as well in the actual writing of the text.
As well, I'm naming the two as the runners up for writing: Paul Joiner, for as well doing an exemplary job at writing/rewriting the piece; and John Blankenbaker, for a simplification of the text, which works lovely, and was soooo tempting, but just isn't the feel/audience I am thinking of.
And i guess that's it for now. Again, congratulations to the ones I chose, and thank all of you for participating, it was really really great.
my best,
-Christopher
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2/28/02 - you ever have those days when things just go bad? So coincidentally it happened to be my birthday when the roof (actaully about 5 rooves) fell through. So all week I've been walking in a coma, struggling to get the strip done at all, barely finishing it every night, feeling lethargic and defeated. So yeah, I know I was a bit down about my upcoming birthday, but that was mostly just philosophical muck-ruck (not that it wasn't valid), and by the time it came, I was feeling at least somewhat settled about it. But yeah, then everything else happened.
Anyhow, sometimes i feel I only talk when I have problems, which likely makes me sound like a pill (I'm actually a pretty optimistic guy), but it's often to explain why a strip is delayed or why i'm behind on something. And only once, do i recall, did I delay some strips because of a romance.
romance... sigh.
Yeah, but not this time, charlie. The was a toss-em-down week. The good news? Today i started feeling better, and am taking some actions to deal with parts of it, and other parts have at least emotionally begun to heal themselves.
But despite feeling better, all night at work, I made phone calls and actively distracted myself because I couldn't deal with thinking about anything. Just an emotional flopping fish. I did come home and write a ton of Bruno dialogue (maybe that's it, right now I need the catharsis of writing her, what a week for her to take a hiatus!) (and no, I can't change her mind on the subject) and also managed to write tonight's strip. But drawing it just became too much.
So, I will have all six strips done, and will have them done this week, but today is just... delayed. We'll see how I manage it, maybe later today, maybe two tomorrow, I'll see what i can pull together.
By and by, anybody know of any job out there in Portland-land that pays at least $12/hour for an unskilled-in-anything-but-illustration/writing (not to be confused with typing)? or elsewhere that would pay enough to justify moving?
had to ask. :)
no particular reason. :-/
xo
-christopher,
world-traveler, doodler, spanakopita maker, and all-around decent chap.
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